the start of a new chapter

hey guys. i've talked about wanting to be more transparent online for a long time, and i finally decided that the best way to go about it is to start a blog. so here we are. this is going to be a place where i share whatever is on my mind, sort of like a diary, but maybe a little less depressing. so for my first blog post, i decided that i want to talk about my most recent life experiences, as they are fresh, and i haven't had much of a chance to talk about them with anyone.

august 2019.

i left america with hopes of finding myself and figuring out my life, but i had no idea what was in store. three months traveling between four countries with your best friend sounds like a dream, right? that's what i was prepared for. what i wasn't prepared for was being left on my own in a foreign country, as someone who i thought would never leave me flew home. at the time, i was so overwhelmed i couldn't even see straight. i felt like i was in a daze those first few days. i was getting calls from my parents everyday, yelling and crying, telling me that i needed to fly back home. at one point my dad even threatened to fly to bali to bring me back. but how could i fly home when i put everything on the line to be here? i just had this feeling that there was more in store for me, it was almost a feeling of unfinished business. i couldn't leave, so i didn't. i decided to follow through with my plan and finish the trip on my own. as someone who could hardly go to the store on my own, this was a big decision for me. but it's one that i will never regret.

september 2019.

september rolls around, and at this point i had been exploring bali with a group of guys i had just met, (no wonder my parents were concerned, this sounds like a terrible idea). but these guys encouraged me to keep going, and open my mind to what experiences lay ahead. being around this group was really refreshing, because for the first time i felt like i was in a place where i belonged. i was surrounded by people with the same interests, and it felt really nice. so leaving for thailand was tough for me. it would be the first time on the trip that i would be completely alone, and i had no idea if i could really do it. but i had no choice, and i'm forever thankful that i went. although it was extremely lonely at times, i got to take time to focus on myself. uninterupted. i spent two weeks analyzing my life and really getting to know myself, which was something i had neglected for way too long. i became aware of a lot of things that i wanted to change, and i made those changes. being alone meant that i could reinvent myself, and i needed that. when i got back to bali, i was ready to take on the challenge of making new friends. i introduced myself to a girl sitting alone at a table in a cafe, and we ended up becoming really close. it was a good feeling to be around someone with the same view on life, and it was nice to be able to talk to someone about the crazy ways of the world with someone who understood where i was coming from. i am thankful for that day at crate.

october 2019.

after being in bali for a couple more weeks, it was time to leave for australia. at that point, the only card i brought with me had been frauded, so i was under a lot of stress. going from indonesian prices to australian prices is difficult, but doing it with no money? impossible. by my second day in australia, my bank account was at zero. but did i let that stop me? no. since i didn't have money for uber, i walked around the city. i got to experience sydney as if i lived there, which was nice. i got to see the botanic gardens and the opera house. seeing the opera house was a weird moment for me. it hadn't really hit me until then that i was experiencing the things i would dream of as a kid. i remember when i was little, looking at a picture of the opera house and wanting to go there so badly. this was really eye opening for me, because i felt like i got some clarity. i realized that traveling is something i had always craved, and i finally found something that i wanted to do for the rest of my life. leaving the opera house, i felt like i knew what i wanted from life. thankfully, my dad helped me out a ton and lent me some money, and i was able to use my card again. i didn't get to spend enough time in australia, but i'm thankful for the six days that i did get to be there, because i found that i really like it there. after my short week in australia, i flew back to bali.

november 2019.

back in bali, i spent the last few weeks of my trip making friends, doing a lot of photoshoots, and getting to know the island more. i became close with so many people, and i felt a sense of family. knowing these were my last days of travel for awhile, i made the most of the time i had left. flying back home was a really depressing time for me. i was leaving the first place i had really fallen in love with, leaving behind my new friends, and all of the opportunity in bali.

sitting here now writing this, i have never been more motivated to work for something. i think it's because i've finally found something that i want to do for the rest of my life. i found my purpose, and my view of life has changed drastically. i no longer want to live my life to please others. i've realized that i have every right to be selfish with my time, because at the end of the day, my life is my own. i want to spend my time doing the things that make me happy and excite me.

i will always be grateful for the day i was left alone, because as scary as it was, it forced me to grow in ways i wouldn't have been able to otherwise. i have no hard feelings, because i got to experience things that i never would have, and i gained so much from that loss. and i can finally say that i did it. i did what i never thought i would be able to do. and you know what? i'm proud of myself for that.